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| The girl you love is getting married to someone else.
Do you interfere and do something about it, hoping to change her mind?
or
Since you love her, do you trust her and hope for her happiness with her chosen fiance?
No matter what I do in this life, I always seem to be behind. Have I changed at all in the past 10 years? What am I doing? Where am I going? As much as I think about this and pray and pour forth, nothing comes. Rather, nothing stays.
Still relevant now:
"I tried so hard, and got so far... but in the end it doesnt even matter..."
I guess I'll still be here - waiting. From years of blogging, I never could shake this. In retrospect, knowing what I know now, I wouldnt anyway. Its like "Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Its like seeing in color for the first time. One more time with the riddles that define my life... "someday the dream will end".
I'll just have to keep believing in it.
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| Ok. Lets talk about something.
Things have been going uphill and downhill at the same time. Is that possible? I suppose that reality has been going uphill. I'm employed again! I'm moved out of my house. I'm usually busy with one of many many projects or friends and have lots of plans. I've made a good deal of friends, have wowed some important people, and have made some serious "progress" in the dating world.
But I dont feel good. In fact, I feel about the same as I did 6 months or more ago. Maybe a little worse. I wouldnt say that I'm depressed. Thats not true. I havent really felt an emotion like that in awhile. Rather its a bitter type of anxiety. It is caused by a few factors that replay in my head.
How is it possible to be so positive and so negative at the same time? My job requires me to be social and outgoing and happy and charismatic and I can put on a face like that. At Hertz it was the same. It is tiring to do so. Work is a facade. I do what I have to do to get the job done. Its starting to feel like so many other, normally fun things are a facade of a similar kind. I have to exert effort to be pleasant with friends. I find myself irritated much more - I cant tell yet if for good reason.
I guess that I thought that by this time in my life I would be in some sort of heaven. For years now I've been trying to work towards a specific goal under the assumption that after certain things are achieved, that perfection would be mine. That I would move to some perfect existence of bliss. I made a ton of cash. I tried and am still trying very hard to change myself. I want to be more liberal. Not really "immoral" as I used to say, but judge less and try more things. Have more fun. At some point I decided that being who I wanted with my perfect moral compass and ultimate judgment just wasnt worth it when you drive people away. I've been trying to be more fun and outgoing. Its a learning process. I'm still not very good at it, but certainly better than I was. I moved out of my house into a new house that I can keep for a great price after dad finds his own place. I have that independence finally. I'm becoming a real adult. Not just in mind, and body, but in action. I have a good job. Its hard and there are some serious difficulties... I will need to put in time and serious effort, but it can go serious places and suits my needs.
I figured with this combination of things that I could get the girl. Well, I pretty clearly fucked that up. I always do somehow. That fell apart and became complicated. All my own fault. I know that. I will always keep trying. As I said, I've made progress. I've done some things lately to broaden my horizons that I havent told anyone else. I'm not about to say here either. I feel like maybe I can gain some perspective, some experience, and some confidence with this. Not really. Struggle as I might, that area goes nowhere. That is what is most important to me. Realistic progress? Zero.
I'm bitter about some other stuff as well. Friends too. As I said, I cant tell if its me, them, or both. I'm not naming names intentionally. If anyone does read this, I dont want them to jump to conclusions that I am talking about them. Thats not the point. This is for me to deal with. Not them. But I just feel very averse to a lot that I used to enjoy, or at least support. Tired?
Its not that I feel like a complete shut in. I am becoming picky. I want to either sit in and play videogames and watch anime all day like I used to. Hang out with Andrew, AJ, CJ, Gianni, Chris, etc. Or I want to go out on some dates. I REALLY want that. Its not overwhelming me... well... yeah it is. Let me restart this...
My desire to be in a relationship IS overwhelming me completely. Frankly, I'm not the kind of person who can walk up to a girl and just flirt normally, hold a conversation, and ask her out. I cant. I dont have that confidence. I never had that gene and never will. But I'm trying EVERYTHING else to get me some female contact. I want it. I feel like everywhere I look are people in a relationship. Its being rubbed it. Its everything. People get so giddy and cuddly and are in this deep lovey state that blocks out everything bad in their lives. Their nirvana. I havent had that giddy feeling in... I dont remember. I cant remember the last time I really felt butterflies in my stomach - just the usual nervousness. I dont remember what it feels like to be really NEEDED by someone. To be that persons other half. I dont remember the feel of that passion. No. Thats not true. I had a very interesting start to this year... It was pretty magical, but it broke down the limited walls that I had. I remember that passion. I fucked that up. But I just cant keep it. Every time I start thinking that it belong to me, I realize that it cant. I want so very badly to be there... To give my all. My everything. My entire soul and being to another equal half. I dont even know. I cant even imagine that release anymore. It seems so foreign. Why can everyone else have it? What have I done or not done to land me in this hell of lonliness?
I have done so much and have had a lot of fun and done a lot of things. Lots of good memories. Great friends and great times. I have almost everything. Except that nagging pang in the back of your mind... It grows and grows until you realize it again. I have great times with everyone, but I am their accessory. I am a permanent third wheel. Doomed to singleness. What if I could have that too? What would that be like? Would I need anything else? What I would give...
My GREATEST fear. The one thing that I fear most in the entire world. Being alone. Sadly, I think that if I had all the best friends in the entire world, nothing else can really fill this gaping hole. It hasnt been filled for a moment in so long.... I would give my life. My future. I cant imagine an eternity of this. What if 5 years from now, 10, 20... what if I'm still alone. What if I'm doing THIS, BY MYSELF, FOREVER!? Is there a greater hell? Is there anything conceivable that is more torturous? What I would give to keep that feeling...
I am sane. I am perfectly sane and surprisingly rational despite my assumed madness. I do lose track of myself, but most of my trends are somewhat calculated and very much realized. I always know where I am and what I am doing. I am constantly in a state of analysis. I am constantly reinventing in order to move out of this cage. Never yet. The only thing in this world that even remotely fills my gaping heart... The one person that knows everything about me, cares infinitely, is always there, and who will receive the maximum of my love for all time... this damn cat. Taboo will always be my greatest treasure. Even considering his loss hurts more than I can imagine. As he gets older I find myself worrying more and more. Daily for just mere moments, but imagining the day that I outlive him. I am afraid. If I havent fixed myself by then.... I just dont know.
There 3 things in this world that I would move hell and earth for. For my dad I would do anything. He is a great dad, mom, and friend. He has given me everything. I will somehow repay it 100 fold... I will do my best and support him in everything. I will never forget how he has always been the one to take care of me. Support me. Carry me and lead me and push me, kicking and screaming, to a better place. The second I would jump in front of a train to protect. Something that never never never leaves my mind. My existence in its current state means nothing for this goal. I dont care what I have to be to protect it... And thirdly. Although in no real order, this probably more than the others.... Taboo I would die for unhesitatingly. I'm crying thinking about something happening to him (I cant bring tears for ANYTHING, but just the thought of something harming him...). I joke with Gerri about her "share" of the cats... I cant even pretend to share him! I couldnt even pretend. He has to be with me forever. He has to. Taboo is like the incarnation of all my emotions that I've poured out over the years... come back to take care of me. Hes the only one in the whole world who has seen everything. He always cares. He always knows. Hes always such a brat to everyone, but hes such a baby... He pouts and cries and needs so much love and attention. When my mood is down, he goes into cuddle mode and makes it all better. When I leave the house he cried for me and he knows when I return and waits. Hes the only one who really has any sense of my other half...
Stop tearing up...
I started listening to Linkin Park last week. I know now why I stopped listening to them. Its not that I overplayed them. Its that its a conduit for my introspection. It makes me think and feel and go deeper. So beautiful, but depressing. Not the music really. Its more uplifting I think. The songs are always about some sort of freedom, I think. Some transcendence. Its all very illusory and imaginary and I can get lost in it. But it makes me remember everything and go places that I havent been.
Back to thinking about girls. I think I've peaked. I'm pretty confident that I will never find another girl as beautiful as my first two girlfriends. Haha. I date as much as possible. More so now because of my recent fervor, but even when just looking I know that its damn hard to compare. Especially the latter one... Like an angel. Haha. I keep referring to Jean in some cryptic and offhanded way so as to sound unattached. Thats not true at all! I feel very attached to her still. Actually, I havent seen her since Disneyland. She talks to me. She puts out the effort. I see it and appreciate it. As I said before, its me that has done this. Its me that has broken it.
I always wonder about her. She tells me next to nothing of her real feelings. She tells me if shes really mad, but still for the most part she bottles things up. I wonder then how much she really notices. How much is she paying attention to. What does she see? I forget how smart and analytical she really is until that rare occasion that it all comes out. She scares me with the detail and analysis that she offers. She sees me so clearly and I see so little of her.... The amount that I dont understand is terrifying. I try and fuck things up. Every time I try to make a decision, it is the wrong one. Each guess is wrong 180 degrees. How is that possible? I dont know. I'd like to think that slowly I'm learning, but I'm not so sure.
I told her theres nothing that she could do to really hurt me. Thats true. I'm pretty sure I cant ever be like I was anymore. I will never be caught off guard again. I may be mad. Constantly in fact. But still somehow she gives me such great joy. As long as she is willing, I'll bail her out every time. I may never be more than a friend and maybe some day I will be fully acclimated to that existence, but surely she knows that my feelings cant be truly extinguished...? I am a lot of things, but I would NEVER EVER hurt her intentionally. I would never cross a line that I thought might do her undue harm.
I do love her. More than family. More than friends. True love? Yeah. Thats always been true. But it isnt necessarily her romance that I need. I dont really care if anyone understands me. I cant seem to kick the idea of her being my baby girl... My need to protect her is so strong. The things that I would do to be part of her every day life...
I say and do some stupid crap and mess things up. Shes the only person who gets me so confused that I forget myself. I forget who I am and where I am going. I get lost in her. Shes always trying to paint herself as a bad person compared to me. She brings it up a lot. I dont know if that is her true believe or if she says it for my gain, to push me away... I've never believed that. She keeps telling me that shes changed so much. Thats not true. Shes exactly the same. She is exactly how I remember her. Plus some new additions. When asked if I would ever change her... My honest answer is "never". Shes perfect as she is. That is what she is. Thats what I like.
She keeps coming back to me. No matter what happens. What I do. Shes been there. I know its important to us both to keep in contact. It should be clear how important it is to me. I dont understand why it is SO important to her. She doesnt give that kind of effort for everyone. I used to blame her for a lot of things. Yes she was to blame for a lot of things. But the more I look (I'm learning to put myself in others shows, as she once accused me of not doing...), the more that I see that I was wrong all along. The more I feel that I have wronged her. The more I see things from her perspective and that of her friends and family. The more terrified that I become. So I sit and wonder "why me"? What makes me so special?
You would think with my desire to be part of her life, that the easy solution would to just.... be part of it. As I said, I see her effort. I see it clear as day and notice her every attempt. I appreciate it. I track her every move to the limits that I draw on stalkerish tendencies (using Facebook anyway). I have injured myself. I am injured. I need to recover. I need more barriers before I can do that again. I cant afford to collapse in front of her again. I cant afford to be caught dreaming any more. She sees through me so easily already. I cant be away. I wont again. But I cant be her good friend right now for my own sake. Soon hopefully. I'm slowly feeling better. Again, its my own damn fault. Nobody feels worse about it than me. I do hope she knows that, regardless of circumstance, that if she ever needed me I would be there in a heartbeat. I know I dont take subtlety very well, but in an emergency of any kind, I'd be there so fast...
Recently I had my feelings challenged. That stung to my deepest core. That argument threatened my very existence on profound levels. I waver and change and get mad and get depressed, but these feelings have never left me. Its come to define me and change me and be something that I look forward to. Hopefully for some time to come. Its something that I have used to grow and change myself and become who I am. With that called to question, even some sacred bonds suddenly seem fragile... Perhaps it is my fault for putting such ideals on a pedestal or for being so difficult. I suppose this is a remnant of a deepest criticism that I've tried to exorcise. I havent decided what to do just yet, but this wound nags at me a lot.
I keep looking for that person. I will find love again to match my own. I dont know if I can even recognize it in my current form or what I will do when I find it, but I will go on looking for as long as I am able. I would like to think that person can see past my difficulties. They can see past my flaws. That they can recognize me for what I am, what I am going to be, and that they will be glad to be part of my life. I WILL have it. There is nothing in this world more important. Haha... no matter the depths...
I'm channeling Linkin Park more. It puts me in this great place where my thoughts become perfect words and sentences. I feel more literate than I have in some time. Feelings flow like water to paper. I could talk forever again. I've barely scratched my surface. Have we talked about.... two topics??? Is that it?! We have talked about the most important stuff. I'm going to recline now to a nice show or two. Even after all this time, I can still lose myself in some good fantasy. I'm a sucker for "feel good" shows. Fighting spirit, courage, adventure, and love. Especially love. A good romance is so touching. Although clearly fighting spirit may overtake it. I use those memories to move me....
Theres a topic! Ok I'll stay a bit longer! Lets talk about motivation! What do you do when you are down and need to get back up? What words do you utter? How does it work? I am an agnostic. Kind of. I only know one way to pray. The Catholic way. No matter what I believe in or what scripture I follow, its the Catholic God that I commune with because I know how to. I make the sign of the cross and pray. Most people dont know. Matt and Gerri think me godless. I dont pray nightly, but I pray when thinks are bothering me. I've been praying in hard times for years. I pray of my own volition and have a good conversation with God. I know enough that a relationship with God doesnt work with miracles. Instead I ask for counsel. I ask for signs. I ask for courage and faith and a means to move forward. I ask for patience and the insight to see and do what is necessary in order to claim the happiness that I desire. I think that me, working to achieve the happiness that I desire with only a nudge, is the way God should work. I dont just pray for myself either. I pray for others in hard times. I'm not entirely selfish. (Gerri would be nodding satisfyingly right now, or something like that...)
Its time to wipe that grin from Gerri's face. I've been praying. Praying for that insight for years and years and years. Praying for that move forward. Praying for that satisfaction. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, no matter what I attain, it is not the satisfaction that I seek. What must I do? What must I sacrifice? I question His existence. Not that I am a believer in "Him" specifically, but in any higher power. The only real progress seems to be made when I say "fuck waiting, I'll do it myself". It is only through godlessness that I make progress. A believer would say "he led you to the path that forced you to action". BULLSHIT. The ALMIGHTY Lord, his benevolence, doesnt wait for the brink of despair, time and time again, before delivering a shimmer of hope. Not to mention that even that step forward is usually temporary. Fleeting. Where do we go from here?? What do we believe in? A wise man once told me "there is no harm in believing. He doesnt ask for much, just that you make space for him in your heart. That way, in the end of days, if he does exist, you may have a pass to heaven where otherwise you may not." Theres no harm believing? Well what if we waste our lives on Earth in pursuit of His guidance only to find that he doesnt actually exist and that our whole life is gone? I've decided with this that I will spare Him his corner of my heart. He can have his space. I wont deny Him or abuse Him any further. But I will consult Him sparingly and with concern and doubt.
Instead I will believe in myself. I will believe in the me who supports me and in this great Will that makes me keep going. Its not Him that makes me rise again. Its ME! I'm the one that makes shit happen. I'm the one that picks myself up again. Fuck your prayers! I pray for my own satisfaction, but expect nothing. I deliver for myself. This spirit is endless. It is empowering. It is eternal. I am a lot of things, but I will always be too strong to give up! Until my heart break to bits, I will believe in everything and keep going. I have these goals and these ideals. I flex and bend lately, but at the core I am the same. I will do what I have to. Even if all the world is my enemy, remember that all the lights in the sky are stars...
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| Its been a long time. Its been even longer since I wrote a VISIBLE entry! HAHA! I had a pensive day and an interesting week. Existential is the word for the day. I have lots of ons and offs and, as I just told Facebook, I want to explain away the world. I want to hear myself speak and justify the past, present and future. I want to make grand claims and plans to fix everything. Without talking to a wall. Facebook must hate me for posting so much as it is. I need you, Xanga. I have neglected you for some time.
It is late tonight and I do have work in the morning. I will sleep now. Perhaps I can come back tomorrow night in full fury! I'll lose some passion, but that might be for the better. You've helped me get my head straight in the past and sort myself out. I shouldnt have stayed away for so long. You are where so much of my heart lies ^_^
Today was both good and bad. I saw a lot of silver linings today. I listened to some music that really put my head in the right place and, randomly, was helped to zone in with a good movie. Its funny how sometimes things just "click" in to place and make sense in new ways... While I am usually poor with perfectly timed quotes, today I was spot on. I was like fucking Nostradamus and Socrates combined. I was the rockstar of depth and awesomeness. This, of course, after I hit a theoretical new rock-bottom. Of course. Its funny how, with me, its always an emotional rock bottom. Its been awhile too. I've been so stable and real and modern and liberal and "fun" for so long. I dont even remember what I used to be like.... I do miss those times. I need those times too. When I was cynical to the brim and overflowing with scorn. Things have changed 10 fold and for the better, but in so many ways I had much better sense of myself. I havent felt so clear headed (like that) in awhile, and its a good feeling. I feel like after a bit more meditation / prayer / strategy that I can figure something out....
The main topic to hit on when we start next time is about our senses as individuals. About that feeling of "specialness" that we have. Our calling and sense of importance and our mission to fulfill it. Its about where we are, where we are going, and where we WANT to be going. Its about correcting ourselves, but more about doing what we NEED to do. Does everyone feel this way? I've always been fascinated by human thought process... Do all people beat themselves up and rethink the very meanings of their own existence so frequently? Or do they just go about each and every day being who they seem on the surface?
How many people have what I prefer to call my "levels"? Levels of trust and understanding and complexity. Does it matter at all? Not really. Really, other people are much better at being "themselves" than I am at being "myself". But I guess thats part of my minimal but hopefully existing fascination. If there was a single human being who chronicled my thought process from day 1 of consciousness, or at least of my blogging, until now... I would like to think that they would be shocked with my various analysis and constant rethinking and unthinking and victory and defeat and revictory and redefeat and growth and set backs. I dont even need to look to know how those whole thing looks... Sometimes we learn new and valuable insights that change us forever. Although I may also be locked into an infinite loop of self-defeat and stasis. Its not entirely clear at this point.
I guess thats the great beauty of it. The most important discovery that I have ever made... the MOST important piece of knowledge that I have ever learned.... The truth that has pulled me out of countless downs. Perhaps it is human, but maybe we each have to find it for ourselves.... I definitely didnt start with it. With it now, I struggle and fight and am dejected and fail, but I always know that I will get back up again and try to do it again, better, fix it, and succeed somehow. Somehow.
That truth... "Dont believe in yourself. Believe in me who believes in you. Kick reason to curb and do the impossible. Your drill is your soul - your drill will pierce the heavens. Just who the hell do you think we are? You might think it's a mistake you can never undo. Even if it is, if we kick and scream and fight like hell, we move forward a little bit. I was taught to believe in the me that believes in myself! He takes the blazing sun in his bare hands and endures the searing heat; a man's man sustained by strength of will."
Pretty much from memory, the lines that mean the most to me. You know when something strikes a meaningful chord in your heart, you get goosebumps and shiver? It can be a song or epic movie... I'm sitting here channeling a great, but unrelated song and thinking about a completely different but tying show and putting it together and suddenly feel so fucking motivated! I want to make a badass AMV! Shit I havent watched AMVs in forever! Thats what I was saying about the old me... I used to think like this and write all the time, connecting dots... and would constantly be checking out AMVs because they made sooo much sense! Making connections. I just made a connection. I just made myself feel better....
I also just rambled for an hour. About NOTHING. I didnt say a thing about anything an only lightly bantered ideas with nothing but theories and fantasy and dreams and ideals and in my head, connected my losses to some light. Suddenly tomorrow and an endless string of tomorrows doesnt seem so damn bad ^_^
Maybe I will write something concrete in the future! Feels good to have a better grasp on a bit of my old self.... I think I've been seeking it. I guess I do that... A relapse? My endless cycles of forward and back. Positive and negative. Social and Introvert. Peace and War. The three beats of an Endless Waltz... Hahaha.
I'm making references to myself! I guess so that the me of the future, when looking back, will read inside jokes that only I would understand and laugh knowingly at myself! What a badass I am... Who the hell makes inside jokes to THEMSELF?! Like a FUCKING BOSS! HAHAHA...
Suddenly a power trip starts (roll eyes knowingly...) Its time for bed! Later!
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| Oh hey long day. Job interview went well but passing on it. Lunch with Frank. Coffee with Truc. Chevys with Daniel and Truc. And then Jean started texting me... and Daniel found out... and I just gave up. They tried to "set me up", which I immediately cancelled and apologized for. I did end up hanging out with Jean, who WAS appropriately mad about Daniel... The whole evening was pretty random since the convo was meant to be short but then I kinda stayed for 5 hours and we watched TV. It was fun, but maybe too much? Probably. I was sitting there through the evening basically wondering "how did I get here?" Not in a bad way at all, but too fast. Too random. I'm pretty sure she thought so too, but I didnt know what to do after the Daniel thing...
I'm starting to hate Daniel. Every time he gets out of hand. Its one thing to "help a friend" and its a complete other to take a friend's personal issues into their own hands... Or maybe I'm completely at fault for not standing up to him. That would have saved everything... Remember that bit :-/
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| Today I finished reading the current Song of Fire and Ice series by George R.R. Martin, which has been my work-in-progress for the last 2 months. Unfortunately, there are only 4 books out of 7 expected with an average 5 year release time per book.... Thankfully it should only be 1 more year until book 5 is done... but I HATE reading good series only to have ridiculous, multi-year cliff hangers! That basically means that I'll be in anxiety for years and forget everything and have to read it again just to understand the new material... Bah! there is an HBO series being released for it soon with some quality actors, but I am concerned that the imprinting of the actors will change my perception of the characters... I'm hesitant, but will probably try to find some way to watch it...
Overall I would rate this book of maximum quality. For writing style, character depth and development, back story, drama.... every chapter is a story to itself and is fascinating, but of course each book also has the usual climax. Each chapter from a different character's perspective, and none of them are boring. All characters inspire a serious love or hate - there is no in between. I would definitely say that this series is far superior to my previous readings and potentially superior to Dune.... Shocking, and at 17 books, Dune gives a massive amount of content and development, but at 1k pages per book with characters like these, I'm pretty sure this series wins.
Unfortunately Martin does seem to relish killing off main characters, which is sad but at times necessary. This is not a happy story and at times is ridiculously morbid and realistic... true to human nature. Its very believable. I cant wait for the next developments and hope that they come sooner rather than later.
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